Tell the Truth About Your Part

The convenient account

When a relationship or shared project stops working, it is often easy to name what the other person did. Some of that account may be accurate. The harder question is what our own actions, omissions, or assumptions contributed.

Looking at our part does not make us responsible for another person's choices. It gives us a part of the situation we can examine and, perhaps, change.

Truth as a practice

Laurence Platt's essay “Hard Focus: Unflinching II” treats telling the truth as a discipline: looking at what is so before reaching for a justification. Its useful challenge is practical. Can I describe what happened, including my own conduct, without editing the account to keep myself innocent?

That question requires care. In an abusive or unsafe situation, responsibility for harmful conduct remains with the person who chose it. Honest inquiry should never become pressure on someone to accept blame for being harmed.

What becomes possible

A more complete account can reveal a missed conversation, a promise we did not keep, a boundary we did not state, or a question we never asked. It may also confirm that a boundary or exit is needed. Either way, the value of truth is that it improves the ground on which the next decision is made.

A useful starting sentence is: “Here is what happened as I can tell it; here is the part I still need to examine.”