What They Said and What We Made It Mean Are Different
Words arrive with context. Tone. History. Timing. Relationship. We rarely receive them as raw sound. We interpret them almost immediately. Then a subtle collapse can occur. What they said and what we made it mean become one thing.
You do not care about me. You think I am incompetent. You are trying to embarrass me. Sometimes the interpretation is accurate. Sometimes it is partly accurate. Sometimes it contains more of our history than the speaker's intention.
The distinction is not a way of excusing harmful speech. Words have effects, and speakers remain responsible for what they say. It is a way of locating two layers. What was actually said? What did I conclude it meant?
If those questions produce different answers, the conversation may have more room than the original upset allowed. We cannot control every word another person speaks. We can become more precise about the meaning we added after the words arrived.