Their Action May Not Be About You

Someone fails to answer a message, speaks sharply, or changes a plan. The action may matter. Before we know more, another sentence can form in our mind: they meant to slight me.

That sentence is an interpretation. It may prove accurate, but it is not identical to what happened. The person may have been distracted, afraid, careless, or deliberately unkind. We need more than the first feeling to know which.

Confusing action with motive can make trouble grow quickly. We respond to a story we have told ourselves, then treat the other person as though they supplied every part of it. A conversation that could have begun with “What happened?” begins instead with an accusation.

Separating the two does not excuse behavior. We can name the missed agreement, ask for an explanation, set a boundary, or leave a harmful situation. We can also notice when we have made ourselves the center of a decision that may have had little to do with us.

The pause is brief but useful: What did they do? What am I saying it means? What do I need to ask or do now? Their action is theirs. Our response can begin with a more exact account of both.