Being Good With People Starts With Where Attention Goes

Many social difficulties contain a hidden attentional problem.

We are with another person while simultaneously monitoring ourselves.

How am I coming across?

Was that clever enough?

Do they like me?

What should I say next?

The other person is present, but much of our attention is occupied by our own performance.

A shift becomes possible when attention moves outward.

What are they actually saying?

What changes in their face when this subject comes up?

What are they asking for directly, and what are they struggling to say?

This is not a trick for becoming charming.

It is almost the opposite.

Charm used as technique keeps attention on the self and its effect.

Interest places attention on the other person.

That does not require abandoning boundaries or becoming endlessly available.

It means social skill is not only a matter of having better lines.

Sometimes it begins by reducing the amount of attention spent watching ourselves have the conversation.

Being good with people can start with becoming more interested in the people.